What to Expect When You're Perplexing (A Pledge Drive)

Months ago, I was in 7-Eleven holding as many Diet Coke bottles as I could carry in the checkout line (four) when two teenagers in front of me were talking. Well, not really: one said something I don't remember and the other said, "That's crazy because nobody asked."

It was hilarious, but it's less funny when you consider that's exactly what writing is like. If you're a writer (sorry) yet don't relate to this very thin analogy, you are the other teenager—your broccoli haircut is growing quite nicely. Quixotically, I'm the other teenager when it comes to your work. Just kidding.

Months before that, I was probably walking to a beer store (r/philadelphia says this one is a secret for some reason) near my apartment, which happened to be kitty-corner to the First Unitarian Church. Somebody recognized me from the internet while I was carrying a case of Coors Banquet home to drink sadly and alone. They asked me if I was [my Twitter username], despite my government name being displayed over it for a decade, to which I sighed and nodded and finished walking back to my square feet of solitude.

Life's so boring. is ostensibly free content. So much of my life has been dedicated to reducing the cost of shit I have a hand in distributing. When Trump got elected the first time, Near Mint donated all proceeds to various places depending on what format you bought, a headache of spreadsheet goodwill that became Moon Physics, a zero-profit and ultimately doomed concept that split a standard 50/50 deal between creators and chosen causes, skipping over, you know, us.

Is this a form of psychosis or do I hate money?

Don't feel obligated to pay for anything, and I'll provide any of the paid shit to anybody who can't pay for whatever reason. Just let me know. All donations will lead to more free content, so if you donate, you pay it forward by allowing people to have access to premium LSB and potentially a larger volume of regular posts for everyone, including non-subscribers. If you like what you read, share it with your friends, especially the tiny population of people wondering where that annoying piece of shit @getcerebral went. This is the worst pyramid scheme of all time. (The best one is in Grand Rapids, MI, and they have the Labyrinth pinball table?!)

Transparently, the tiers are there to offset the monthly cost of hosting on Ghost, chipping away at my payment plan for a Freewrite Distraction-Free Writing Tool that I'm currently not using because I'm distracted by being on the clock, offset a lease break, help out with this insane dental bill...maybe you're just supporting a creator monetarily so they can create again.

My costs of creating (with associated damages or otherwise) were offset by doing things for bands (contrary to what nineteen-year-olds online may think). I wrote about twenty bios a week, often before work or in the bathroom, and then I'd go home and supervise another Spotify rollout, another PR campaign, etc. Shit, I sold my record collection, everything for either $10 or $20, because records are for listening to, and flippers should—nah, I shouldn't write what they should do on here.

I undervalued all these things and will continue to lowball until I blow up.

For $1.82 a month (exactly half of what a McDouble sandwich costs), you will receive a weekly bonus column—playlist, recommendation-via-rant, etc. That's four extras guaranteed for under two bucks. Plus, if I'm already writing for the side stage, I'll be annoying the fuck out of the nosebleeds too. You'll get four months free if you sign up yearly. I did not research to prove this, but that's probably the best deal of all time.

For $5 a month (with half the year free if you drop 30 bones at once), you will get more than one bonus a week and access to the coveted LSB Discord. That's awesome. I'll make terrible cover art for the playlist posts and make extensive rationalizations for the track picks. Ditto for any other exclusives. Discord will equal legally grey movie nights and be the ultimate way to make LSB yours.

Both tiers let your comments run free.
If you want me to fuck off or worse, pay up bitch.

Put your email in that box, and stay tuned for the following. I don't know the order of any of these ideas; this is just a confirmation of their existence.

It Can Always Be Much Louder

Named after a loading screen in Guitar Hero III, this will be a "react to new music" column, only all the music is being consumed via Guitar Hero or Rock Band charts. There are thousands of official songs that were created for the two series, and thousands more made custom for spiritual successors Clone Hero and YARG, short for Yet Another Rhythm Game, based on the Rock Band aesthetic.

At the Supporter+ level, these posts will include accompanying video content. All paying supporters will receive sporadic LSB-funded custom song packs for your shredding pleasure.

No Skips Allowed

This is a re-branding of the Perfect LP column from Modern Vinyl. The rules dictated that you have access to an artist's entire catalog to construct the title artifact. No longer than 90 minutes, this version of an outfit's work isn't a "greatest hits." It's sequenced like an album, and has to be argued as such.

This will launch with a doozy: blink-182. I wrote a Perfect LP that served as a catalog of the Hoppus-DeLonge bromance/common law marriage/semi-public mess. Commenters were upset that I didn't include "Dammit." This will not either, but there have been three records^[1] since writing that in college.

Think you have a good idea for one of these? Supporter+ tiers can submit guest columns for re-publication here, complete with whatever plugs you want.

Diegetic Digest

My buddy Isaac has this playlist called "soundtrack to a teen drama" that is entirely speculative. Nobody in a teen drama is listening to fucking Christie Front Drive. The MV Podcast had a segment called Emo Album or Teen Drama, too. When we recorded live in the middle of a wrestling ring at Chicago's iO Theater, I offered "I've already given up on myself twice; third time is the charm" up as a line. It's from a Fall Out Boy b-side. Everybody guessed wrong.

Remember when iTunes did Celebrity Playlists but it wouldn't be just Heidi Klum, it'd be oddball picks like Lightning McQueen? That guy got Radiator Sprung to the weirdest songs, including "Anthem Part Two."

Imagine that we're scoring the daily lives of cartoon characters, fictional people, etc. That's basically what Stephenie Meyer did with Twilight and everybody but My Chemical Romance was on board.

OK, here's an example: Jughead Jones from the Archie universe would probably open a playlist with "I Like Food" by Descendents because his canonical traits revolve around being a goofy gourmand. He'd probably also include something with erratic drums, like "Bar Sport" by Italian math-rockers Stegosauro, because that's what he plays in The Archies when he's not, uh, eating pizza.

However, Jughead in Riverdale is a drumless writer from a broken home who is more mall-emo sad. When writing, Jughead can be seen listening to "My Only Swerving" by El Ten Eleven. Of course, Archie is the one swerving in this show, fucking his music teacher and getting a gun and whatever. (Didn't finish it.) When reflecting on his stupid lot with his stupid weirdo ass hat, when shuffling away from "Creep" on his On Repeat, Jughead is probably listening to some faux-retro snarlers like The Pink Spiders, because he is in high school and Riverdale looks like it's from its 1940s source material.

Supporters and above get enhanced versions of these entries, with more research, more annotations, and probably more tracks. Supporter+ patrons can suggest subjects: the weirder, the better.

Tinkering Transmissions

Surprise! I'm a huge fucking dork. This will not be a super-recurring thing, just a catalog of projects, both in progress and forthcoming, that lie outside the scope of music writing and being a dipshit. Some future sub-series will include details on:

• Building a Plex server, ruminating on the state of Non-Physical Media, metadata, and the joys of curation
• Coding, designing, and playtesting a virtual pinball machine based on Everybody's Favorite Game, Balatro
• Coding, designing, and playtesting a "survivors-like" game based on and about the disability experience—as well as the 3D satire Disability Simulator

Republishing related content hosted elsewhere

Spoiler alert: I will be interviewed for Michele Catalano's I Have That On Vinyl, a site that is, in many ways, a spiritual successor to MV and well-worth reading. I'll circulate the raw interview and link to the original post, and if you support at a higher tier, you gain commentary on the commentary. Levels.

If you have read any of my previous material and would like to continue reading it, signing up for emails is the easiest way to do so. Could you tell your friends, too?

We're back, baby. And potentially better than ever.